Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D. and John M. Gottman, Ph.D.
Review by: Amanda Buys

Let’s face it, most couples have conflict. Conflict, good and bad, is at the center of most interactions, even when attempting to be collaborative in nature. There will always be opportunities for disagreements, different perspectives, miscommunication, and just plain bad days with poorly communicated thoughts and feelings that escalate more than expected. While the Gottman’s have made a brilliant blueprint for couples therapy in general, but their new book Fight Right helps focus in on how to help facilitate those difficult conversations, for couples and clinicians.

This book goes into detail about how couples interact, some of the hard limits that are mutually exclusive for further conversation and negotiation. It details the physiological cycle of flooding and ways to work around the flooding to have a better, calmer discussion. We get to learn about the fact that most conflicts are perpetual, they don’t go away with one conversation, and they might never go away, no matter how many conversations are had about the subject. Sometimes these perpetual discussions are about solving the moment and not the problem, focusing on the relationship and repairing or analyzing the argument or conflict itself and not the initial catalyst for the conflict. Looking deeper at conversations, to see what’s actually beneath the surface of a spat, because it’s never about the style of silverware you bought.

Once we get into the subject matter the material becomes a step-by-step guide to having difficult discussions, as well as a step-by-step guide to repairing and coming together to better understand one another after a conflict has occurred in the ‘wrong’ way. All of these tools, paired with other tools taught using the Gottman Method, lead to a healthy guide of fighting the right way to improve your relationship and understanding of your partner instead of becoming polarized against one another.

Find our resources to accompany what we’ve learned in “Fight Right”